Food and Racism
Food is linked to racism. Simply put, food is the most readily presentable part of culture. The easiest place to experience something new and deeply important to another culture is to start with the food and I'm angry. some days it feels like I'm not in control of my life. I feel like I'm spiraling with this deep deep sadness that simply won't leave me alone. I just spend the whole day feeling so fucking sad that I just don't want to be or do anything. It hurts but in a dull kind of way. like I'm covered in bruises but I can't see them. Getting myself to do anything is such a goddamn fight. I have to psych myself up and I have to move quickly enough to get out the door before I sink back into the feelings. It doesn't always work and sometimes I end up sitting the whole day in my shoes all dressed to get the fuck out but I just can't. I feel sunk into this awful version of a world where the reason to be and do doesn't exist. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way and I want to be better. I want to go out and get help and do all those healthy things. I want to run outside and like it, I want to be in the sun and feel good, I want to go to the stupid yoga thing and enjoy it, I want to want to be something more than who I am right now. I just don't understand why it feels so hard to be happy to even just try anymore. Some days I feel like being alive is overwhelming. I've tried so many things to feel different. Drugs and alcohol do literally nothing for me. I feel them but It doesn't change how I feel. My brother is in Thailand and somehow I'm still responsible for him feeling happy. You know what maybe he should have spent more time making me feel better instead of using me as an uber. We don't have compatible personalities and sometimes it feels like he hates being attached to this family. but he has next to no qualms about leeching whatever he can get from us. I feel like don't matter. Like I'm tolerated but not well liked or wanted. I don't feel like I can be myself while Im here and I feel like who I am has been so far away from me that I cant see it anymore. I dont think I have a real personality. I'm just this empty thing that people continuously paint over how ever is most convenient to them.